74. Dear Reader, May, 2016

It is early Saturday morning, about 5:30. The dawn woke me up at 4:30. My mind has been racing since then.

I come to you in your role as psycho-therapist. Someone to listen, someone to help sort out my life….

I haven’t seen you for awhile, Steve.

Yes, doctor, it has been awhile. But at my age new experiences do not happen every day.

What brought you in?

Probably what brings in many of your patients: a woman.

You remember when we last spoke, about a month ago. I had said I wanted to see if I could find another woman; not to replace Susan, but another person with whom to share/appreciate life’s wonders; someone to challenge my view of the world; a second opinion.

Have you found one?

Too soon to say, but I have found a person who might be that person.

How do you know?

Good question. Truth is I don’t. But I suspect.

Why? What makes you suspicious?

It’s hard to explain. For starters, I like her. I like her intelligence, her ready laugh, her quiet wisdom.

How did you meet her?

Shortly after my last appointment, we had our first “date” — a lunch mid-way between her Augusta home and mine on Hancock Point. A lunch in Belfast.

Remember, I had said I was going to try out a “dating site” on line?

Well, I did. And there she was. Objectively we were a good match: similar political/religious views, well-educated, socially engaged. We corresponded a bit and agreed to meet “midway” for lunch. She was literally the first woman I met “on line”.

And…

I liked her right away. She was obviously bright, attractive, interesting.

Awkward as such meetings are, we were readily at ease.

I understand what brought you to that lunch; what brought her?

I don’t fully know, except that she had been happily married for 40 years. Her husband died four or five years ago. Perhaps, like me, she felt a certain emptiness in her life. It takes courage to be open to such a search, to drive 50 miles to meet a strange man in a strange place. I admired/appreciated that courage in her.

But that was a month ago. What brings you in today?

Oh, yes. Well, after we had that lovely lunch we corresponded a bit more. I think we were both feeling encouraged, optimistic. But then she was off for a long-scheduled vacation in Canada, up by the Gulf of St. Lawrence. And then we were each, co-incidentally, undergoing cataract surgery.

How did it go?

Great, thank you. Hers also seems to have gone well, though perhaps with some complications.

(As you have said before, my life seems less complicated than most.)

In any event, we could not get back together until yesterday.

We decided on meeting in Bangor, (also about mid-way between our homes, but — impossible as it sounds — midway in a different direction), for a movie and lunch.

[Doctor, let me interrupt myself for a brief aside. (Yes, it is relevant. No, this is not “avoidance behavior”.) She looked to see what movies were on and didn’t see much. You know, the usual adventure yarns, action movies, “Captain America” sorts of stuff. Suspense, thrillers …. Not the kind of thing you would want to sit through with a strange man.

I looked, too, and I saw “Jungle Book”. I have loved Kipling’s tale all my life. It was Disney. It has some great music….

I suggested it. She liked the idea. I mention this because it is an example of how two sets of eyes can see things that elude a single set. In this rare case, it was my eyes that made the difference.]

Good movie?

Yes. I recommend it. It is, like Kipling’s poem, not just for kids.

So you saw a movie and then had lunch?

Yes. We drove from the mall into Bangor to eat at “Paddy’s Pub”.

She’s a vegetarian and it turns out that there were some things on the menu that looked tempting.

Good lunch?

I don’t know; it was the conversation that mattered.

More than a good lunch, it was a good place to talk. The movie had started at 11:15am so we reached the restaurant about 1:30 — which is to say after most of the luncheon crowd had left. It was quiet. We were left alone.

So you liked her?

Yes. “Liked” is just the right word.

One of the strange things about this on line dating is that you are thrown together with someone whom you do not know and asked to contemplate a future “relationship”. How unnatural.

“Back in the day” you would be attracted to a person first, (without a check list), become friends, and then perhaps grow into a deeper relationship.

But that was then; even young people don’t do it that way any more.

Yes, I know. But I am not a young person.

In any event, I have come to believe that the first test is, “Would you like this person as a friend?” Then, if there is to be more, it can unfold at its own pace.

Why do you think she might be such a person?

Good question. As I said, I like her. She is easy to talk with. She is (my usual test) a whole person. We have similar beliefs/interests.

I must admit, I want this more than I ought to.

“This?”

A special person in my life. What we used to call a “significant other”.

I always hated that term, but now I think it strangely apt — another person who might become singularly significant.

But my question was what makes you think she might be that person?

Fair enough. First, I have to say it is too early to know. It is more like a suspicion. A feeling that she could be such a person.

But you said, she is the first woman you’ve met on line. Isn’t that a bit premature?

Yes, it is definitely pre-mature. But (already being “mature”), a bit of “prematurity” is not wholly out of line.

More to the point. After that first date, while she has been away in Canada and having eye surgery I have met with four other women.

Four!

Yes four.

In four weeks???

Yes. Turns out that men are somewhat scarce in this age group.

I am (for the first time in my life) a “hot property”.

Really, Steve?

Yes, really. I know you have known me long enough to know how ironic, how unlikely that is, but yes, really.

I learned an interesting thing from one of those ladies I met. “Match.com” sends me 24 possible “matches” a day. They send my female counterparts ten.

Different level of membership?

No, I have (predictably) the cheapest and most basic membership. I think the difference is that there are simply that many more surviving women then men.

So, you were saying: you met with four other women this past month?

Yes. They were all nice. Each interesting and attractive. None had two heads, or pulled wings off butterflies.

But…

But, I felt no compulsion to meet any of them again. No attraction. No desire to become their friend. I suspect they felt the same.

Which brings us back to yesterday…

Yes. I had wanted to have a second “date”, wanted to get to know her better, to spend some more time together. It had been frustrating to have to wait a month.

As I drove up to Bangor, I was thinking: “Have I made this all up in my fevered little philosophic brain?” “Could this be real?”

And???

I don’t know if it is real. Better to say it remains alive. It has not collapsed in upon itself as certainly the odds would suggest.

So, now what?

I hope for another meeting. Another chance to “test the waters”.

What are you hoping for?

I don’t really know. Whatever she is comfortable with. I would like to show her a bit of Hancock Point, perhaps drive her around Schoodic; have lunch at Chester Pike’s.

So, you are feeling good about this?

Yes, I am.

It is as if one had lived one’s life with a great painting, a painting that became a part of your life, a painting of rich color and subtlety, with layers of narrative, of beauty. And then that painting was gone. Taken away. You will never find it again. But that does not mean you cannot find another great painting. It does not mean you ought to give up art.

You think she might be the one?

I don’t know. It is too early to tell, I have not even held her hand, let alone kissed her. I have however, (being an inveterate “hugger” after 15 years in southern California), hugged her.

We will see if she had as good a time as I, if she wants to meet again.

Well, Steve, our time is up.

Thanks, doc. I needed that.